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Recovery the EGO the Journey & my 2 Cents
The Journey of Recovery has offered me many surprises and many rewards. Never could I have imagined spending so much time in a life (death) style (addiction) and been so completely ignorant as to all that surrounds it. That is the result of 1 part denial 4 parts ego. Addiction and Recovery, two words, that, if you make the choice to do what is necessary to recover, rather than exist in wasteful misery and leave a sad legacy, you will use often in your new life. Recovery is truly Rebirth.
The following are “things” that I have learned on my own journey. My hope is that by sharing my thoughts with you, some good may come of it.
- Recovery is a journey to our inside. It is an exploration of ones heart and ones soul.
- The changes we make MUST come from within.
- We must change our views for our views to change.
- No one is going to change you; no one is going to heal you, no one but you.
- We must live in the present. Resentments and regrets of our past and fears of our future is where ego lives and addiction thrives. Consider the following:
- Being present to ‘what is’ frees us to see what is possible
- Being absent to ‘what is’, forces us to re-live our past or to fret about the future. Absence keeps us in our heads and out of our hearts.
- What is presence?
- Presence is an expression of Consciousness - our willingness to set aside conditioned ways of thinking and habitual ways of seeing and living life. Presence can be summed up as ‘being at one with what is’.
- You must choose how you see the world and the people in it. The universe will deliver to you free of charge the good and positive if you see through those eyes. The universe will also deliver to you at a great cost, negativity, despair, jealousy, lack of trust, resentment, and plenty of angry people, if you see through those eyes. Through those angry eyes you will also be offered at a great cost, the rationalization that you should use/drink because you are different, you have special circumstances (thereby others are not) you have difficulties, issues that others do not and do not understand.
- So you see, it is important very early in recovery to discover that in many, many ways, we (OUR EGOS) are the creators of the world, our world that we see when we look through the self centered eyes of our addiction.
- What must we do? We must actively, continuously, monitor, hold in check and out maneuver our EGO. The problem is our ego never really goes away; it just is made to stand in the corner and stay out of the way. Hence the journey of recovery, why it is a journey to our inside and that this journey is a lifelong undertaking. Life Long…! I know a scary proposition. How do we do it? We do it one day at a time, we bite off 24 hour chunks, and we set small, moderate or enormous goals. No problem, does not matter, we just bite it off one day at a time. Easy.
- What is our EGO?...It is that which tells us we are different, special, more/less important, that we should be THE focus of attention, that our problems are greater, that they “just don’t understand” that our needs come first, it keeps us out of treatment, the rooms of 12 step groups and keeps our addiction alive and well. The Ego works on our OUTSIDE, the external. IT needs others approval. It needs for us to put us UP thereby putting others DOWN, there really is no other way… think about it… if you are better, some one is worse, if you are special someone is not. The EGO is exclusive not inclusive, it is the judge and jury and always has opinions of others. The EGO IS jealous, angry, petty, insane and absolutely built out of ones FEARS! The EGO is fear driven; it survives only in the past or the imaginary future. It can not live in the present moment and it can not live without your fears and insecurities as its life fuel.
- The ego is what will take you back out, the ego is what will keep you separate and the ego is what will never allow you to be happy, truly happy, as it can not survive in a climate of true happiness. The false happiness that the ego brings is dashed once it sees anyone that has more/less or better/worse than it perceives you to have/be. Nicer car, bigger house/lives in a dump, better looking/ unattractive, bye, bye happiness hello judgments, anger and resentments.
- The foundation for the entire advertisement industry is based on catering to it. It sends out messages that say less than, better than, get more and ultimately the message is separate yourself. They work on your external as a pathway to internal happiness. Not gonna happen. Beware, the EGO is insatiable and will never EVER have enough!
- If it can never have enough, if it can never be satisfied, what happens? It does not allow you peace; it does not allow you serenity.
- True Happiness. I promise you, even if you are gifted a moment, you will never be happier, more “at ease” (opposite of disease), than you are when you feel at peace. Peace is in line with the universe, with Gods will for you, with your higher self, with your true calling, your purpose, Peace, serenity, they are not of the ego, they are not external, they come from you being truly you, the real you and not caring.
- How do we find this peace? Again, the first item is ridding ourselves of that ego. How? We start by not letting our past guide our present. We have to let go of the notion that by living in our past we will change our present or our future. Our past can not have any effect on us as people unless we allow it too. Many of us have had negative experiences in the past, some worse than others, some horrific. If you can not get out of your past and get your past out of your head, you have little hope for your present or future. With this knowledge it does not leave you much of a choice unless you wish to be invested in a life of misery. We are here because we do not wish for that life. We have been there and we have done that.
- Other ways of obtaining peace are through mediation, service to others, putting others first, practicing kindness, waking up with gratitude and thanking God, your higher power, your Great Spirit, the Holy Spirit, your higher self, the good person that lives within you. Connect with that which is most beneficial to your being the person you wish to be. Keep doing it throughout the day especially when you feel old ways of thinking coming back, because they will.
- Connect with others on a similar journey. 12 step meetings are excellent at centering, grounding, and facilitating that which you seek. They offer all the good that has been listed. They will even offer challenges to you in the form of other people and the chance to counter that challenge through the understanding of principals before personalities.
- This is really cool. The most fertile ground for profound, positive, life long transformative change is after a major fall in ones life. This is proven, has been known throughout history and has been documented many times. Treatment and recovery are very fertile ground for this change. They are perfect. Even death of a loved one or divorce does not provide as fertile a ground for the seeds of change. They will not kill you, addiction will. They leave choices, addition does not. Where else can you hit bottom and bounce higher that than you thought possible? Where else will you have the opportunity handed to you for profound transformative, positive change just by screwing up your life and seeking help? Stopping the using, drinking, obsessing part of addiction is the key to the door, without sobriety the door will not open. In relation to the door, the size of the key is very representative of the size of the world that awaits in recovery. Recovery, the spiritual journey, the 12 steps, finding out who you are, that which is your higher self, all that and much more makes up the door. Recovery is a plan for life, for living.
Here is what I do.
- I get up and connect with God, I pray for others, myself, I ask to do Gods will and to have that will revealed to me. (usually that means when confronted with a choice, I try and choose what I deem God would want, what my higher self knows is right, what is good) I try my best and I say thanks. Even when it seems to be for naught, I keep at it.
- I forgive others and I forgive myself
- I try to express love to others and to love my self.
- I try to stay healthy though exercise and eating healthy.
- I go to AA meetings regularly
- I meditate (not often as I should but always get benefits from it)
- I read and/or listen to inspiring literature
- I try to stay in my heart and out of my head.
- I have fun, I play, I rock, I mellow, I get mad and get over it, I screw up and I apologize, I realize I am a spiritual being having a human experience and I do not drink and I do not use.
- I view this as a journey and I try to enjoy the journey.
- I view this as a challenge and I try to enjoy the challenge.
- I view this as growth opportunity and I try to grow.
- Every now and then, something happens, something amazing and I am renewed in my belief that all of this is meant to be, that the universe is unfolding as it is supposed to unfold. I again come to the realization that I am not in control, I did not get me sober, I am not getting you sober, I am not creating these opportunities, I am not the creator but something is and something did. We just do the footwork and take guidance. And all over again I realize how profoundly grateful I am to be a part of all this.
In the end folks, I am far from perfect. There is much in life and in recovery that I do not know. I have my struggles, my ups and my downs. I do not always do what I know I should, and even when I do I often do not get the results I had sought. However, I have come to the realization that I am making progress and that my life has improved in every aspect since becoming sober. Some days feel disjointed others flow so smooth and right that you just know it is as it should be. Of one thing I am certain. Drinking and/or drugging will positively, absolutely wreck all that is good in my life. It does not matter whether you have 3 days, 3 months 3 years or 30, drinking and drugging will take your life into a downward spiral. That leaves us with one sane option. So take this option and make the most of it. It CAN be your blessing; it can open doors that would never have been opened had you not found yourself addicted with a hole in your soul. Seek out that which brings wholeness to you. Every one of us is worth every effort it takes to get into and stay in recovery. Do not give up and continue to connect with that which will advance your journey, your happiness and will keep you sober.
I hope that what I have written is helpful in your journey. I want to thank you for the opportunity to have you here and to allow me my 2 cents. I feel blessed to offer this place and to put forth these words. They come from the heart and not from the head. It is for you to connect and to make your change happen. Seek and ye shall find. It can take a bit of time. Do not give up. I had some opportunities for connection while in treatment and 12 step meetings but was 6 months in before the claws were removed. When I needed help the most, through sincere prayer, I asked, and help was given to me. For that I thank God.
Addicted, my hope for you at this time, is that you understand that this is a journey, that we are all connected while on this journey, that our goal is to live as our highest selves within the context of connection to each other, with and through a power much greater than ourselves. The best we can do is our best. We are not nor ever will we be perfect, but we are and will continue to become better than we were and moving closer to our own perfection, acting as our highest selves. To do this Addicted, we need to be that which we seek not to condemn that which is outside of our own person, we need to see with as much love as we can muster, and to offer to others that which we want for ourselves. Move out of head and into heart. You will get nothing but pain from living between your ears. Find and live out your purpose. You have immense value and much to offer to this world. However, we can not give what we do not have; first we must do our own work. Live fearless Addicted. How? You put your faith in that “if you act from a place of love, of good will, you can let go of the controls and allow the process to flow as it will. It may be a struggle and likely will be, but in the end, you will see, without fail, that it turned out how it was supposed to and for the best.” Live without fear.
Best regards, Mark.
